Confessions

Online dating try kiya. Profile mein likha 'adventurous, loves hiking.' Bhai, main 2nd floor tak saans phoolti hai. Ladki ne pehle date pe trek suggest kar diya. 3 ghante ki hike mein maine 47 baar 'beautiful view' bolke ruka — view nahi dekh raha tha, saans le raha tha. Never lying on a profile again.

Roz subah 5 baje uthke 'productive morning routine' ki reel banata hoon. Shoot karne ke baad wapas so jaata hoon dopahar tak. Followers ko lagta hai main disciplined hoon. Bhai main sirf camera ke liye disciplined hoon, real life mein alarm 12 baar snooze karta hoon.

I have a crush on the girl who makes my coffee at the office cafeteria. She always draws a smiley on my cup. Last week she wrote 'have a good day, Rahul.' SHE KNOWS MY NAME. I've been floating since then. Should I ask her out or will I lose my daily smiley?

College mein 5 log ka group tha hamara. 'Friends forever' waale promises, matching bracelets, sab kuch. Graduation ke 2 saal baad, sirf ek insaan se baat hoti hai. Baaki sab 'Happy Birthday' ke alawa message nahi karte. Adulting mein friendships sabse pehle sacrifice hoti hain.

She asked me 'do you like me?' and I said 'you're a good friend.' That was 6 years ago. I still think about that moment at 2am. I liked her. I was just too scared. She's married now. Happy, I hope. But man, that one sentence I didn't say... it haunts me.

I pretend to hate romantic movies when I'm with my friends. But alone at night? I've watched DDLJ 27 times. Yes, I counted. And yes, I still cry when Raj stretches his arms on the train. Don't judge me. Main bhi Raj hoon, bas Simran nahi mili.

I talk to myself. Full conversations — arguments, pep talks, interviews, award acceptance speeches. Sometimes I even disagree with myself and have proper debates. My roommate caught me once debating both sides of pineapple on pizza. I said I was on a call. She knows I wasn't.

I overheard my best friend talking about me behind my back. She was telling someone that I'm 'too much' and 'emotionally draining.' I've been the one holding her through every breakup, every family fight, every crisis. But when I needed support, I was 'too much.' Haven't confronted her. Probably never will. Just slowly pulling away.

I've been in love with my best friend for 3 years. We talk every single day, share everything, but she sees me as a brother. Every time she tells me about some guy she likes, it breaks me a little more. I smile and give her advice, but inside I'm dying. I don't want to ruin the friendship, so I'll probably never tell her.

Breakup ke baad maine apne saare purane photos delete kar diye. Ab jab kabhi memories aati hain, toh dekhne ke liye bhi kuch nahi hai. Pehle dard hota tha, ab sirf khaalipan hai. Pata nahi kya bura hai — dard ya ye numbness.

Papa ne kaha tha 'doctor mat bano, business karo.' Maine nahi suna. 8 saal MBBS mein lagaye, ab 32 ka hoon, bank mein paise nahi, aur job satisfaction bhi nahi. Papa aaj bhi kuch nahi bolte, bas kabhi-kabhi dekhte hain. Unki aankhon mein 'maine bola tha' clearly dikhta hai. Woh sahi the.

उसने breakup के बाद कहा 'let's be friends.' मैंने हाँ कह दिया। अब हर रोज़ उसकी बातें सुनता हूँ — नए crush के बारे में, date plans के बारे में। मुस्कुराता हूँ, लेकिन अंदर से टूटता हूँ। 'Friends' बनना सबसे बड़ी गलती थी मेरी।

मेरी arranged marriage है 2 महीने बाद। लड़का अच्छा है, पढ़ा-लिखा है, सब कुछ ठीक है। लेकिन मेरा दिल अभी भी उस इंसान में अटका है जो 5 साल पहले चला गया था बिना कुछ कहे। शादी से पहले एक बार बस उससे मिलना चाहती हूँ — closure चाहिए, प्यार नहीं।

मैंने उसे कभी नहीं बताया कि मैं उससे प्यार करता हूँ। हर रोज़ उसकी Instagram story देखता हूँ, लेकिन कभी reply नहीं करता। अब वो किसी और के साथ है, और मुझे लगता है कि अगर मैंने बोल दिया होता तो शायद ज़िन्दगी अलग होती। कभी-कभी सोचता हूँ कि unspoken love सबसे ज़्यादा दर्द देती है।

Meri arranged marriage fix ho gayi hai. Ladka sab taraf se perfect hai. Par kal raat sapne mein college wala crush aaya. Utha ke socha — kya yeh sign hai? Ya sirf subconscious drama? Ab bol do — sapne pe trust karun ya rishte pe?

सबसे ज़्यादा दर्द तब हुआ जब उसने मेरे भेजे हुए messages को seen करके ignore कर दिया। Block करना बेहतर होता — कम से कम uncertainty तो नहीं होती। Seen zone ek slow poison hai.

College ke last day, usne mujhe ek letter diya tha. Maine kabhi khola nahi kyunki mujhe dar tha ki kuch aisa likh ho jo mujhe aur miss kara de. 4 saal ho gaye, letter aaj bhi mere drawer mein hai. Kabhi-kabhi lagta hai kholna chahiye, kabhi lagta hai rehne do — kuch cheezein mystery hi rehni chahiye.

आज मैंने 3 साल बाद उसका number delete किया। Dial करने से पहले एक बार और देखा — हर digit याद है। Delete करने से कुछ नहीं बदलेगा, पर कम से कम रात 2 बजे drunk dial करने का temptation तो कम होगा।